Page last modified: 01/21/04

'Twas the night before dead line and all through the house not a creature was stirring except for my mouse. Threatened with violence should my story lack woe, it's now four in the morning with 3 pages to go (gotta keep the staffers in line - Ed CMG).

Now that I've set the mood, I've had a number of conflicting comments recently about my success rate in the operating room. Some folks felt reassured that a 'fix it' special can actually be fixed, while others missed the carnage and grief I usually go through in my attempts to raise the dead. With this in mind I will attempt to please all by building up a '82 Suzuki GS400E.

Being that spring is supposedly here I figured that doing this 400 I may spark those thinking about getting into motorcycling to get up and do it. Then again it just might terrorize them into buying a mini van.

1982 SUZUKI GS400E

Welcome to my nightmare. Reader discretion advised, story contains descriptive coarse language and violence.

The GS400 has a mildly sporty appearance. This bike enjoyed a long production run with only slight changes taking place. This makes it easier to find used parts. This particular GS was of the $150 variety, running but needing almost everything, to not only certify, but to make it look better than a sore pimple on the end of your nose.

GS400 autopsy

Although it was running it was going to need a battery transplant along with a heap of cash, er .. I mean a good tune up. The oil had seen better days, (probably when dirt was new), the exhausts were leaking at the manifolds, three of the four signals were M.I.A. along with the head light assembly and left hand switch gear (horn & signal switches). The seat was ripped to rat shit, the side panels were gone and so was the chain guard and pick up cover. The master cylinder and caliper were seized, the pads were down to the steel backing plates and the fork seals had failed nicely. The fancy left foot rest, that also doubles as a gear shifter mounting bracket, was busted. The gauges had the popular road rash appearance. The chain was a rusted solid mass, in sharp contrast to the air filter which was a crumb like substance laying at the bottom of the air box, which incidentally had good rubber inlets!

Now a machine like this in most cases wouldn't be worth doing up even if you had a parts bike - there's simply too much missing to make it worth while. By the time you factor in parts and your time you could've most likely bought one, ready to ride, for less than what you've just invested. Unless of course you're like me, S-T-U-P-I-D!

Here we go then, a suicide mission, "I'm in". All the filters, plugs and oils were changed and the carbs stripped and cleaned. This was followed by a complete tune up, including valve clearances and carb balancing once it was running again. With the preliminary surgery to the heart done, the 400's power plant hummed along

GS400 Engine

nicely, if not somewhat noisily with those leaky exhaust gaskets. Better change those, SNAP- CRACKLE- BROKE - all four exhaust retainer bolts. Blast you! (eh? I think you mean damn you to hell you useless pieces of shite - Ed). Now of course the engineers at Suzuki must have spent quite some time designing the frame to ensure any access with a drill to this area would be completely blocked by the frame tubes. Can't you just pull the motor? Sure. Another three hours, four heli coils, two skinned knuckles and one pinched finger later the motor was back in the well thought out frame. Bastard (that's more like it - Ed).

Now to the suspension. Simply toss the back ones ($$$$!), and rebuild the front ones. Same story for the front brakes - toss the old system (more $$$) and replace them with a working used one along with a couple of new pads. The front and rear tires were both sporting very trendy sidewall cracking, the back one proudly displaying one crack extending to a magnificent length of over three inches! The front was replaced with a good used tire ($$) while the back had to be a new one ($$$) Doh! New chain was next ($$) along with a used guard.

Okay, electric's next. Hmhh, simple enough, there aren't any! Back to the salvage shops (someone should open a 'club salvage' so you can collect points towards your next purchase). As it turns out, as with most other stores, the more you buy the better the price, so... One seat, three signals, gauge set, head light assembly, left side switch gear, left side foot rest, two side panels, brake and clutch levers and a couple of mirrors. Be gentle.

Back at home with my booty, the installation of these new trinkets was without incident with the one exception of having to reorder the wires in the socket from the gauges to match the relevant ones from the wiring harness of the bike. A dental pick works great for this task, ask your sadist, I mean dentist next time you're in for a torture session.

Well there it is - runs great, cost a shit load, and looks butt ugly dad. Now if you like to shell out big time for something that looks like crap when it's done I would highly recommend a project like this one, it's ace! If however you've accidentally fallen into a project like this and are now the proud owner of the zit on wheels and don't much like the idea of having a faithful, but ugly bike, you need to speak to Dave at Art Line - The Motorcycle Body Shop. For between $400- $500, Dave will 'Oxicute_' your bike, giving the tank and panels a fresh coat of dazzling colour. Fancier work can be done for a fancier price, fancy that. But seriously the work is top notch.

Nice bike Mistah! One "as new": GS400E.

The motor was painted and the aluminum bits were polished to within an inch of its ugly little life. The bright red body work was carefully put back on - what a difference! Amazing what $49,000 will do to a $150 GS400. All that was missing was the tank and side panel stickers. And it looked as though it was going to stay that way as those stickers are no longer available from Suzuki. Enter Steve from Danforth Signs. Steve's got this way cool computer that can, with a little help from him, recreate vinyl stickers very close to the originals. It's even easier if you have an original to work from.

So there it is. Let's see how broke I am.

Thanks for reading. Next issue is going to be a bit different. I think something new would be a nice change of pace. Clean, nothing missing ... ya, new is good.

Thanks to:
Danforth Signs (416) 674-5775
Art Line Painting (905) 508-7300
Ontario Cycle Salvage
T.O. Cycle Salvage