Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Today is the worst day in my life.

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Today is the worst day in my life.

    I don't know why I'm posting this. My own way of getting it off my chest, or coping. I'm not generally an overly emotional person so I guess it is what it is.

    I was woken up around 8:00AM this morning by my brother calling me. I looked and saw who it was and hit ignore. He was probably calling me for a ride somewhere or something cause his van has been acting up. Needless to say, I was not thrilled. I'm not a morning person simply because my work schedule has me up late at night. He called again. I hit ignore again. This went on for 5 more minutes. I kept thinking if it's that damn important leave a frigging voice mail. Finally he called Roses phone. She answered, slightly perturbed. She shot up in bed. "where are you.. What? What do you mean?.." by now I was awake and wondering WTF was going on. She handed me the phone. My brother then proceeded to tell me that my 57 year old mother, who has had health problems for some time, but nothing so serious as to result in this, had died. My step dad had gotten up for work and tried to wake her. But she was gone. Passed away sometime in the early morning in her sleep. I was still somewhat groggy and at first started swearing at him telling him he was full of you know what. But he broke down, and then I knew that this was no sick joke, no mistake or misinformation. I got up and paced around the house, struggling with my emotions. As I said, I'm not the most emotive person in the world. But there was a feeling welling inside me that I had not experienced in so long I honestly didn't know what it was. And then it exploded out of me like a volcano. Utter complete overwhelming sorrow.

    I pulled myself together and got dressed and got my gear on and rode over to my parents house. My stepdad was standing outside with my brother. I pulled my gear off and asked what was going on. Bob (my stepdad) was pretty stoic. " I don't know what happened Josh. The coroner said he wasn't coming out, ruled it natural causes. We are waiting on the funeral home to call us back."
    My brother looked rough. I was still in shock I guess. Still not believing this.
    "where? Where is she??"
    " In the house"
    I looked toward the front door. Through that door was the earthly remains of the woman that gave birth to me. We hadn't always gotten along. There were a few times in my life where we didn't speak for months or even years. She was far from a perfect person, far from the mother of the year. But in recent years our relationship had gotten better. She had gotten better. Less of the horrible things that drove a wedge between us. She and Rose hadn't always been the best of friends. Our early relationship left my mother feeling as though Rose had taken her first born away from her I suppose. When Rose and I got back together, and I asked her to marry me, my mother finally decided that Rose indeed make me happy. And that's all she wanted. Their relationship was quite a bit better this time around. But, despite all of this, all the fights and lies and bad things she had done, the years at a time of not speaking, she was still my mother. She loved me, though sometimes didn't show it in the best ways. And I loved her. I never imagined in a million years that she would be gone so soon. I wasn't ready. I didn't get to say goodbye. Our last conversation consisted of talking about the MotoGp race and whether or not my dog (who she and my stepdad had babysat for the weekend) had fleas when I came to pick her up and take her home.

    I steeled myself as best I could and slowly, regretfully trudged up the stairs to the front door. I opened it and stepped inside. She was still there. Bob had covered her face with a sheet. This is not real. I kept telling myself that. Any moment she is going to sit up and everything is going to be ok. I had often come over to find her napping on the couch. She had MS, and on and off struggled with it. Once a week she had to take an injection, and it usually left her pretty out of it for a day or so. This was just like then. Right?
    The screen door slammed behind me. I turned to see my brother. "I don't know man..." he said shaking his head. Then he lost it. I hugged him tight, again, a bit of an odd thing for me. Except for Rose, I'm not real big on touching or being touched in affectionate manors. A point my mother used to harp on me about constantly. "I'm your mother. I gave birth to you after 36 hours of labor. The least you can do is let me hug/kiss you". He began sobbing uncontrollably, and then I too was overcome. We both cried for a few minutes. Then I took a deep breath, patted him on the back and tried to regain my composure. I didn't need to be in the house right now. I needed air. I walked outside, and my parents friends Mel and Jenny, and the neighbours were out front. They gave me a sad wave. I waved back and starts walking down the street. The funeral home had pulled up and seeing them load my mothers body into the van would be more than I could allow myself to handle at the moment. I walked. I don't even remember walking that far, I was numb, and memories and confusing emotions were flooding my brain. I looked up and realized that I'd walked three city blocks. I turned back. I needed to remain strong, for my brother, for Bob. He had t displayed much outpouring of emotion. Yet. I got about half way back and saw that Bob had actually walked out to the corner... I assume to check on me. He saw me and turned back to the house.

    When I got back to the house, the funeral home had left and the couch was empty. Bob was busying himself with taking care of the blankets that were on the couch she had been laying on. He scurried around, somewhat absent mindedly.
    My voice cracked as I began to ask him about arrangements. Finally he stopped. "well, she didn't have any life insurance, so I'm going to have to pay for it. You know she wanted to be cremated, but how big of a memorial service or whatever I will leave for you and Joe (my brother) to decide."

    " nothing fancy" we both replied " you know her, she didn't like people doting over her"
    "yeah.." Bob said, his eyes were now welling with tears.
    " it's just important that we all stick together. Right now, and in the future" he said. Now the tears were rolling. Bob had married my mother 12 or 13 years ago. At first I didn't know what to think, but since, he and I and Joe and my baby brother John (who is in prison at the moment, and still doesn't know his mother has passed away) had grown quite close. Bob was always there for us. Now we would be there for him.

    "we're not going anywhere Poppy ( I never called him dad, because he wasn't my dad, but Poppy was my term of affection for him, and also what Rose son Gabe called him when he was a little little guy) we are family, and we stick together.
    We've sat now for a couple hours, talking, remembering, consoling eachother and blowing our snotty nose. My brother volunteered to drive down and see our grandmother and to tell her that she's outlived her oldest child. That impressed me greatly. Joe had always been sort of flighty. Kind of flaky at times. But the last year or so, I've watched him slowly start to pull himself together and become a man. That he would take this heartbreaking, amazingly difficult task on himself only proved to solidfy my assesment of his new character.

    Tomorrow, I go to sign papers releasing the funeral home to follow through on the cremation. I don't know how I will feel. I really don't know how I feel now. It's been roughly 6 hours since I found out that my mom is gone. It's been a rough six hours. I hope that I am still sleeping,but I know that I am not.

    Rest in Peace mom. I love you and I always will. We will see eachother again some day.

    Deborah Leisten Seale
    14 November 1953- 1 September 2010.

    #2
    Sorry for your loss...Nothing quite like the loss of your mom. I feel your pain.
    EULC ON

    Comment


      #3
      Sorry Josh...nothing to say, at least nothing to say that would help..

      Take care of your family...and yourself.
      Bob T. ~~ Play the GSR weekly photo game: Pic of Week Game
      '83 GS1100E ~ '24 Triumph Speed 400 ~ '01 TRIUMPH TT600 ~ '67 HONDA CUB

      Comment


        #4
        Hang in there, Josh.

        Comment


          #5
          I'm sorry to hear this Josh. My mom and I don't talk to each other (my choice) and even with as much as I like it that way I'm not sure what will happen when I get that call from my brother (she's got ALOT of health problems).

          Just try to stay strong and know that Rose and all of us here are there for you.
          sigpic
          Cowboy Up or Quit. - Run Free Lou and Rest in Peace

          1981 GS550T - My First
          1981 GS550L - My Eldest Daughter's
          2007 GSF1250SA Bandit - My touring bike

          Sit tall in the saddle Hold your head up high
          Keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky and live like you ain't afraid to die
          and don't be scared, just enjoy your ride - Chris Ledoux, "The Ride"

          Comment


            #6
            Sorry for your loss.
            sigpic

            82 GS850
            78 GS1000
            04 HD Fatboy

            ...............................____
            .................________-|___\____
            ..;.;;.:;:;.,;.|__(O)___|____/_(O)|

            Comment


              #7
              there is nothing i can say that won't be said better by someone else. Just know that i'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

              Comment


                #8
                Your story made me cry brother. I feel for you. Hang in there.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Take care Josh, my condolences on her passing.
                  sigpic2002 KLR650 Ugly but fun!
                  2001 KLR650 too pretty to get dirty

                  Life is a balancing act, enjoy every day, "later" will come sooner than you think. Denying yourself joy now betting you will have health and money to enjoy life later is a bad bet.

                  Where I've been Riding


                  Comment


                    #10
                    Truly sorry for your loss. CK.

                    I know you said you are not a huggy type person but hug the folks around you in this situation if only because they need it. Believe it or not the best medicine for you at this time might well be to concentrate on the needs of the people around you. It breaks the trance and when you look back, you can do it knowing you made things better. It would make your Mom proud and it will help you through this very bad time.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Sorry, Josh. I'm 57 and it's not a fair age to be gone. I hope you get through this okay.
                      "When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why they are poor, they call me a communist." Bishop Helder Camara

                      "Beware of the man with only one gun. He probably knows how to use it."



                      82 GS1100E....black w/WC fairing and plenty o corrosion and low levels of attention

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I'm sorry for your loss, my friend.

                        It's good that you two got closer over the past few years.

                        You loved her and she loved you.

                        'Nuff said.
                        Larry D
                        1980 GS450S
                        1981 GS450S
                        2003 Heritage Softtail

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Josh,

                          I'm so sorry for you. It has been a horrible year and every time one of these events happens I tell myself 'That has to be the last time for a while'. Our prayers are with you and your family and we're all here for you...

                          Joe
                          IBA# 24077
                          '15 BMW R1200GS Adventure
                          '07 Triumph Tiger 1050 ABS
                          '08 Yamaha WR250R

                          "Krusty's inner circle is a completely unorganized group of grumpy individuals uninterested in niceties like factual information. Our main purpose, in an unorganized fashion, is to do little more than engage in anecdotal stories and idle chit-chat while providing little or no actual useful information. And, of course, ride a lot and have tons of fun.....in a Krusty manner."

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Too soon and too sudden. I only met her 2 or 3 times, but it still hurts to know she's gone, and hurts on your behalf too.

                            Let me know if you need anything.
                            Dogma
                            --
                            O LORD, be gracious to me; heal me, for I have sinned against you! - David

                            Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsense. - Carl Sagan

                            --
                            '80 GS850 GLT
                            '80 GS1000 GT
                            '01 ZRX1200R

                            How to get a "What's New" feed without the Vortex, and without permanently quitting the Vortex

                            Comment


                              #15
                              My condolences on your family's loss.
                              1982 GS1000S Katana
                              1982 GS1100E

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X