Long post, but funny!
Long post, but funny!
OK. This could be a good place to interject an e-mail I just received from a Gold Wing rider, a good friend of mine and riding partner.
__________________________
A Harley owner named "Rodehard" posted the following story on the internet. See my response immediately following it...
-Rich
"RODEHARD (HARLEY OWNER) WRITES....
Now guys... I'm probably going to cry (so bear with me) when I tell you the story about "Spotty", and why he thinks he's a "motorycyclist"... or thinks he's one of "us". You see here's what happened... awhile back a very nice gentleman bought all the kids in Spotty's "special ed" school these little pink "Barbie Doll" motorcycles. You know what I'm talking about... those little pink jobbies with the little electric motor in them that allows a kid to go about 5 mph. Well it seems "Spotty" wanted to be different from the rest of the "special kids" in his school, and started customizing his "Barbie Doll" bike to look like a Gold Wing.
It was so cute... little "Spotty" took some little pink lunch boxes and glued them on the sides to make them look like saddlebags... he even glued one on the back for a little trunk so "Spotty" could put all of his dolls in there. He then took some "saran wrap" and put it across the front of his little "Barbie Doll" bike for a windshield. He took his "GI Joe" headset and put that into a little plastic football helmet so he could be like the "grown ups" and play like he was talking on the CB. The teacher gave him a couple of plastic rods so he could use them for little antennas. "Spotty" took some silver spray paint, and painted his little fake exhaust pipes, and painted his engine, and many other parts to simulate the chrome that so many "Wingers" admire. (okay I'm starting to tear up now)
Needless to say... all of the "special kids" in "Spotty's" school thought little "Spotty" was quite the "motorcyclist" with his customized little pink "Barbie Doll" Gold Wing. One kid even gave "Spotty" a stuffed animal to put on the back of his little pink Gold Wing. It wasn't long before "Spotty" became a "special ed ride captian" and would take all the "special children" on tours around the playground. They were so cute... little "Spotty" out there getting all the little pink "Barbie Doll" bikes and kids all lined up in formation. They would then make believe they were going on an "ice cream" ride, and would stop at a make believe "Dairy Queen" and eat "mud pies" that the "special kids" made from the dirt in the sand box. It was so precious...
It wasn't long before the teacher recognized that "Spotty" was accumulating many laps around the playground on his little pink Gold Wing... so she gave him a patch and award pin for "safe laps around the playground" to put on his little "Roy Rogers" cowboy vest. This made "Spotty" proud... in his little "hamster brain" mind, he was the "best motorcyclist" in his school and had the "best" bike of any of the other kids. However all good things must come to an end... it seems that since "Spotty" developed an attitude that his pink "Barbie Doll" Gold Wing was better than all of the other "special kid's" bikes, he was no longer being invited to ride with the other kids because of his attitude. They didn't like the way "Spotty" made fun of their less "decorated" bikes and how "loud" they sounded. "Spotty" then decided to get with the other "special kids" from other schools and form a "Pink Barbie Doll Gold Wing Association". Well it seemed "Spotty" was in his element. He was with other "special kids" that had pink Gold Wings and was soon elected to be a "special ed Chapter Director". To this day... "Spotty" is still shunned by other kids on other bikes... but yet still believes that he is a real "motorcyclist" because he rides a pink "Barbie Doll" Gold Wing. Now you know the rest of the story... "
Richard Rothschild, Gold Wing rider, responds with the following:
Dear Rodehard,
Thank You. Thank You. Thank You for the great entertainment, I loved the story about the "Little Pink GoldWing that Could." In fact, your intelligent satire brought so much joy and laughter into my household that I have decided to reciprocate... and provide an equally "enjoyable" story about an imaginary member of the "Harley Culture". Hmmmm. what should we call this little short story? I've got it... "Let's call it "The Mouse that Roared".
"THE MOUSE THAT ROARED"
Once upon a time there was a little boy named "Herd Mentality" (we'll call him "Herd" from now on because he could always be "heard"... but rarely seen, except in my rear view mirrors).
One day Herd decided he wanted to be cool... so he went to a fancy boutique known as a "Harley Davidson" store. Now, this was no ordinary store, because in addition to selling designer fashions, you could also buy just about any Halloween costume you wanted (as long as it was black or orange), and then of course, there's one more thing... they even had motorcycles for sale. Wow neato!
Now, Herd knew squat about motorcycles. He was frequently heard saying "Specifications shmeshifications... who cares? Performance, who cares? Reliability, who cares?" Because you see, Herd knew diddly, but Herd did know about the two most important elements of motorcycling... MYSTIQUE AND APPEARANCES.
Well. the salesgirl approached, Herd (she was wearing a costume that said, "this bitch didn't fall off") and ask if she could help him. He introduced himself and said said, "Yes, I want to be seen and Herd". She instantly recognized a well informed customer and responded, "You've come to the right place." Competent and sexy, (although a little rough around the edges) she proceeded to outline the process for Herd.
"First, you'll need a costume, uhhhh, I mean, riding gear. Second, we'll get you a Brain-Bucket, uhh, I mean a make-believe helmet that provides minimal protection and maximum image enhancement. Third, we'll take you to "helmet sticker alley" where you can choose from a wide variety of anti-social anti-establishment helmet stickers to complement your black leather costume. Fourth, just to make it official, we'll pick out a "trailer queen", uhhh, ooops, I mean, a motorcycle to complete your transformation to weekend warrior." And finally, after paying $25,000 for a brand new trailer queen, for an extra $500 we'll take off the perfectly functional stock exhaust and install some totally obnoxious pipes that will ensure that you will be both Seen and Heard."
Herd was excited. He was already fantasizing and imagining that he was cruisin down Rt66 with Peter Fonda. The transformation had begun. Herd picked out a leather vest and chaps. The salesgirl advised that for an extra hundred dollars they would allow him to wear an advertisement for Harley-Davidson on his back. Herd's hands shook with nervous excitement as he eagerly laid down his cash. Next, Herd Mentality picked out some helmet stickers that reflected his adroit, experienced and savvy appreciation for his new two-wheeled sport... "I'll take this one and this one," as he pointed to stickers that said, "Does Not Play Well with Others", and, I'd Rather Push my Harley than Ride a Honda." Cool. Too Cool. He eagerly laid down more cash.
Next, the salesgirl lead Herd to the back of the Store where there were a few motorcycles hidden in a corner. They must be good (thought Herd) because they all cost $20,000 or more. Herd noticed some used ones on the floor, 2002 & 2003 models. But they cost almost as much as the new ones. "Why are the used ones so expensive" asked Herd. "Well," beamed the Salesgirl, because H-D has high resale." Herd contemplated her response for a moment, grew bolder, and challenged her, "Oh, I figured they were expensive because they have such low mileage on them. Heck this 2002 model only has 900 miles on the odometer. Didn't the guy ever ride it?" The Salesgirl smiled assuredly and knowingly. She responded, "Of course, but he only lived 1 mile from his favorite watering hole... That's 450 round trips in less than two years. Remember, It's Not How Far You Ride or How Much You Ride... it's WHAT you ride that counts!" Herd stopped in his tracks... contemplating and savoring the irrefutable wisdon and truth of her proclamation. "Wow, this mystique thing really makes sense." He pondered her answer a few more moments and... realized he was confused by this abstract conundrum.
He refocused on more mundane issues. "Deuce? Dyna-Glide? Dyna Wide Glide? Tour Glide? How do I know which one is right for me?" The salesgirl assured him that he had nothing to worry about... She responded, " they're ALL Right for you... you see, you don't have to worry about things like engines or transmissions... They're all basically the same, they just look different... just pick the one that gives you the best image."
"Wow!", thought Herd, "this really is easy". "But... But.... these look pretty big! Will I be able to handle them? "Absolutely replied the salesgirl. They are big, but they're easy to ride because they only put out 63 horsepower whch is more then enough to cruise 5 miles to the local Burger King or Watering Hole." Besides with the loud pipes, it'll sound like you have twice the horsepower. Just remember to rev it up a lot at the stoplights.
The fever pulsated in Herd's soul as he continued forward in his transformation. "What next?" he asked.
"Well, now its time to get your pipes. Loud Pipes Save Lives". The logic was self-evident... NOISE=SAFETY; SAFETY=NOISE (Of course, safety was the last thing in Herd Mentality's mind when he was picking out his non-DOT brain bucket.")
Well, 3 hours and $23,000 later, Herd was ALL-SET. The salesgirl returned from the rear of the Store. "OKAY... just back your trailer up to the loading dock in the rear and we'll load you FXDAWG on and tie-it down for you!"
Herd complied, and thirty minuted later, he was happliy on his way with his costume, stickers; and mystique safely in tow. "Life is Good", thought Herd, as he tooled down the highway in his SUV.
STAY-TUNED NEXT WEEK FOR A COMPLETELY NEW CHAPTER OF
"HERD MENTALITY". In next week's EXCITING SEQUEL, Herd becomes a HOG MEMBER and visits his first biker bar!
-Richard Rothschild
Good job :lol: :lol: You should have waited and yold the goof that you bike has an engine 1/3 the size of his killer sporty. 
They are both amazingly true and amazingly funny. Thanks for the laugh!
